Maine Gardening

with Earl Hornswaggle

Aug 03, 2026

Any gardener in the Pine Tree State’ll tell ya that for every pretty bud that comes up in the Spring, there’s some nasty weed bound to follow. And when one those evil plants pops up from the dirt and rears it’s ugly head, you better take action or they’ll cause you no end of trouble. Now, some folks let their delinquent vegetation run wild. Let ‘em loiter around the old cars, cracked engine blocks, discarded wood stoves, bald tires, and rusty moorin’ in their backyard. But folks like that are just itchin’ for a fight. I seen crab grass capable of takin’ root on your oil tanks. Hollyhockers what spit seeds at curious cats. And invasive vines what learn your computer passwords and steal your ATM card.

Smart homeowners need to be on the lookout for these bad news blooms and nip ‘em in the bud. Shoot ‘em fulla buckshot. Stab ‘em repeatedly with a butcher knife. Wrestle ‘em. Pull ‘em out by the root. Poison ‘em. Burn ‘em with an acetylene torch. Get a restraining order against ‘em. Call in the Marines. Nuke ‘em. Whatever ya gotta do... just kill ‘em. Either that, or sell your house and move outta state.

For those of you willin’ to face the challenges and rewards of gardenin’ in Maine, I’ve put together a list of rogue flora with ill intent.

PINCHING CRUSTACEA

One of the many seaside bottomfeeder blooms usually found growing wild under wharf bollards. Oozes green sap and sheds.

Threaten it with drawn butter and smack it with a mallet.

CHRYSANTLERMOOSE

This long stemmed, hunchin’ brown flower is some ugly! It grows in cedar swamps or near salt-covered road.

Don’t fret too much about this one. They eventually uproot and throw themselves at oncoming vehicles.

FLANNELWOOD

This one here’s a hardy river weed with a musky odor. Tends to burrow into trees. And I’ll be danged if it’s flower ain’t...plaid.

Surround it with sawdust until it gets lumberlung.

CRABBY MISDIRECTUM

These here usually crop up at out-of-the-way mom ‘n’ pop stores. They’re crusty ol’ weeds and they may look near dead, but they’re about as cantankerous as a deer tick. Blooms durin’ the tourist season.

This one’s a shrewd customer and won’t die easy. Best to leave it alone.

SPLEENY ANEMONE

Pale, anemic, high maintenance buttercups that only grow on manicured lawns. Will reject tap water, but thrive on the bottled kind, especially Poland Spring.

This one’s so easy to kill, it don’t seem sportin’.

FOXGLOVE